I truly believe that in life, it’s important to always make room for a good old poop joke.
I grew up with 4 older brothers who believed the same to be true: “Had a hard day? Ok guys, let’s gather around the fireplace and talk about our poop”
To me, this is a sign of our comedic prowess.
In fact, at Christmas dinner, saying Grace without tinting our thanks with non-PC jokes is a challenge that can only be surmounted with the gentle encouragement of my mother’s death glare.
My thirst for All That Is Funny has made me seek out some of the weirdest, most dry-witted friends, who are guaranteed to speckle gathering with bouts of hyena-like laughter.
My romantic life also has to meet the comedic bar. Once, and only once, did I try to date a guy who didn’t make me laugh…the only thing this experiment gave me, besides reverberating boredom, was the conclusion that there is no penis big enough to make me want to do it again.
All this to say that smiling and laughing are two things I enjoy immensely.
Unless you ask me why I’m not doing it. Then you automatically become dead to me.
Remember my mother’s death glare that I mentioned at the top of this piece? Well, I inherited it. And when the words: “You should really smile more” are jettisoned in my direction, more likely than not, my eyes will shoot ninja stars into your soul in the hopes that they will make their way down your throat, pierce through your lungs, tear through your chest and stab a hole through your heart, resulting in your death, which will, PS, not qualify for resurrection, so don’t even think about applying.
Nothing grinds my gears more than when I’m walking down the street and some d-bag yells out: Smile Shorty!
On top of hitting my “smile” nerve, you have also insulted my height. Thanks? Now I wanna take these heels that I’m wearing (to look taller) and stab myself in the eye with them.
Here’s the thing people, chances are, you don’t walk around 24/7 with a smile dazzling your face. Unless you’re re-enacting a 90s Mentos commercial. And then you just look like this guy.
Maybe it’s just me, but if I came across this guy on the street, I would immediately lose my erection, think all men are serial killers, and contemplate a life in which the only sexual pleasure I allow myself is from dry humping stuffed animals.
Women are often expected to be loving, kind and agreeable. Sometimes, that is the only expectations imposed on them: Sit pretty, smile, nod.
So basically: Be an accessory.
Often, whether we realize or not, the root of telling a female to smile lies in that unfair expectation.
A man can be cut throat, go after what he wants, walk around looking tough, flexing his guns, and this is considered broodingly sexy. (OK, sometimes, it’s considered slightly gay…especially in those gym selfies…veto boys, just veto…)
If a woman is being focused and determined at completing a task, even if that task is grueling and demands a great deal of concentration, she is expected to do it with a smile on her face, or something is terribly wrong with her.
What is that about?
Don’t get me wrong, I am all about the men in my life teaming up with me to reach my goals. However, I do not accept being questioned for not playing the role of The Smiling Accessory.
Once, I was reading a book on the subway, and some dude exclaimed: Woah! Why so serious?
Oh, sorry sweet tits, I didn’t know that the pages of my book needed smiles of encouragement. The next time I’m reading Kurzweil, I’ll make sure to nod and coo lovingly at the printed words predicting our immortality…
The thing is, if you make eye contact with me and offer a smile, I will return it 75% of the time. The 25% percent of the time that I don’t is probably because you are being creepy and/or standing aggressively close to me.
So maybe next time you think about demanding/asking for a woman to smile at you:
- Think about how many men you’ve asked to do the same
- Ask yourself why you expect her to smile and
- Instead of demanding it, try to earn it.
Like I said before: I truly believe that in life, it’s important to always make room for a good old poop joke.